What is f’in wrong with me?

I am keeping this blog because I have not found a lot of information from actual TMS patients on their experience with TMS, their treatments, their moods or their results. I hope that the very personal information I share along my journey will help countless others battling depression. Keep in mind, I am not a writer. I have never been good with grammar and I am too lazy to have someone edit each post I make. Right on the cusp of GENX and Millenial, I fell through the cracks in many ways.

I have suffered from treatment resistant, ongoing, major depression for most of my adult life. I have done years of therapy, tried almost every anti-depressant/mood altering medication out there with little to no relief. The side effects of some drugs have been Frankinstinian. All the years of wondering why I can’t just be normal, wondering why I don’t get better on the medications and various therapies, the heartache of people not being able to understand or show compassion have been devastating. I also suffer from chronic pain and psoriatic arthritis that was only recently diagnosed. I turn 40 this year and after having to give up my career, friendships, hobbies and more, I have had enough!

I was watching a certain television news network (NOT FOX), when I saw a commercial for this thing called Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS). I had never heard of such a thing before so I got on the trusty iPad and went to town with me research. I learned that it was this virtually side effect free, pain-free, reliable, and EFFECTIVE treatment for depression. I am like WTF?!?

Why didn’t my psychiatrists and doctors tell me about this? There has to be a catch. I have been on all these drugs, CBT, and other therapies and one even mentioned this. So, I made my doctors appointment and went to speak to my GP.

I mentioned TMS to my GP. She knew exactly what it was, said that it was effective and was prepared to write me a referral. The catch? The only place for me to get treated is at UBC Vancouver and I would be required to relocate there for the treatment as treatment is done 5 days a week. She told me to think about it and come back. I live in the Okanagan and it is 5 ½ hours from the clinic.

I was totally shocked that she knew all about this. She knew about it and never suggested it even though she feels that it is an effective treatment and that I would be a candidate for it.

I came home and talked with my husband (who is my hero and the most wonderful person on the planet). The financial burden would be an especially great one for us seeing as how I am not working and getting disability. I looked desperately into what supports were available for lodging and food for those having to travel so far to get medical treatment. Sadly, I found nothing. Fuck it, I’m worth it, we are going to do it anyway. How? Dunno yet but we are going to figure it out.