My TMS Journey

Have a new tech today. I will have him for the remainder of my treatment. He is a journalism student. Instead of talking to me about random stuff like my last tech (I’m ready to adopt her as a member of my family - she is so lovely), he read to me a part of the short story he is submitting in a contest! The first three minutes of the story were great! Guy has some major talent! I’m looking forward to the next two weeks so I can hopefully hear the whole story. Treatment today wasn’t as easy as yesterday. It hurt a little more. I think it’s because I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night and honestly I feel a bit off today. I’m desperately seeking good food but am having a hard time accessing it because I can’t walk far. Nothing is really accessible by car. What is accessible by car off campus has no parking. I can’t live off of over priced pizza and other crap. The options for food delivery aren’t great and my limited facilities make it hard to cook. I wish I could get a mocha and a ...

I’m not posting updates in real time at this point for privacy reasons. Yes, it sucks but I have a responsibility to myself (especially while in treatment) to take care of myself, keep a healthy mind and keep my eye on the prize. Being able to spend time with my significant other this weekend was sooooooo therapeutic. I really wish I could have him with me full time during the treatment. He observed my treatment on Friday. He is super supportive. I wasn’t expecting to have to go through this treatment alone but due to some crazy circumstances, here I am. I am fortunate my husband is a rock star and is willing to give up his time to come here and support me. He will be coming here again once more when it’s time for me to move out. My leg problems are making mobility very difficult and he is going to help me pack and load up. I will be grateful for the help. Treatment today was much easier than the start of last week. It’s not nearly as painful for me. A person getting their first tr...

Today was the 9th treatment. Today was unlike the rest. Today it felt more bearable. It was less like stabbing and more like the hard, annoying tapping others describe. My tech continues to talk to me through the treatment about different subjects which helps a ton. Having a distraction is a must. I am not sure what caused me to turn the corner in today's treatment. I am not sure if it was having a TON of sleep last night, or if I am just getting used to the treatment. I know tonight I won't be getting a lot of sleep. Luke is coming into town and I do not sleep as well sharing my bed. Plus will probably be up later than usual gabbing and catching up on the stuff we had forgotten to mention in our daily texts etc. I talked to a nice woman at the clinic today. She was telling me about her journey. She has had rTMS several times in different locations. She has probably one of the most severe cases of depression I have ever heard of. She gets the rTMS, it lasts for about 1 month ...

So today I had much the same experience as yesterday. I had a lot more muscle movement in my face - mainly my jaw moving with each "zap" and tears rolling down my face like crying but I wasn't crying, It is an odd feeling having two things happen to you that you have no control of, especially bodily things. The discomfort was about the same. My tech is so empathetic and compassionate. I feel very lucky. She is another reason why I have the strength to keep going every day. I am not dwelling on the unpleasantness of the treatment each day. I think that if I did, I wouldn't be able to force myself to return each day. I am trying to just walk out of the building after my treatment and leave it there. SO far it is working. I am enjoying my new digs. They are clean and comfortable and private. It is so nice and quiet here. My bed was super comfy and got a full night sleep last night - for the first time since being down here. It was wonderful. I regret not going this r...

My accommodations did not work out so over the weekend I had to find a new place to stay. The place my aunt had arranged had not been looked after or prepared for people to be staying there which was difficult and then once we kind of got it together there, people started showing up unannounced to stay there - relatives of the owner. We weren't given any heads up and I was lead to believe that the house would be ours to use and that we would have peace and privacy but that was not going to happen. So, I decided to move out as my aunt didn't feel that she could address the issue and it was one that was a deal breaker for me. Thankfully I found a wonderful apartment on Campus at UBC. It is so nice. Beautiful views with quiet and privacy. I was able to get some groceries for my kitchen today - I left a lot of the stuff I bought with my aunt as I didn't feel it was right to leave her high and dry. I got settled after my appointment today. I think that it is important to have ...

Today was my 5th day of treatment and the end of week one. I am not going to sugar coat anything. At my full dose which is 76, I feel pain. The pain is like being stabbed in the brain with a knife or stick. Keep in mind that I am having the 3 minute rapid theta wave treatment vs. the traditional 1 pulse per second at 1Hz treatment for 30 minutes. The people I know that are having the other treatment described it not as painful but more like a woodpecker or an annoying hammer feeling. The 3 minute treatment is proven to be as effective as the traditional 1 pulse per second method. To get through the pain I feel with it I am taking Advil and Tylenol prior to treatment and I am having my very compassionate tech talk to me during the treatment to distract me. I am told that in time, the pain and discomfort will lessen and that some people end up not feeling it at all. Although I find that hard to believe at this point, I am hopeful. The pain is not excruciating but it is not fun. It is...

Today I let myself sleep in a little before starting the day seriously. I was dreading today a little but now that I have plan to help me cope better it wasn't as bad as the other days. Got to treatment and talked to the lady who has her treatments before me. I will call her D. She is a pleasant 73 year old lady who has been a lot of fun to talk to and she has helped me get prepared for treatment. She is on her second week of treatment. She has been something I look forward to each day. I had my treatment and started at 60% it hurt like a SOB. The tech and I were talking - mostly her talking. We talked about the theatre productions she has been in as a student at UBC and which ones she liked more than others. In 3 minutes, the treatment was over. I was relieved and happy to be at dose! I got the hell out of there as soon as I could so that I could grab a McDonalds cheeseburger that I was craving (I know, ewwww). I have been enjoying the drive in and back from UBC. The car is ...

I had a crappy sleep last night. I tossed and turned a lot. I woke up with a headache, feeling grumpy and overall just feeling like garbage. I was not looking forward to treatment today. I learned some things that would explain why I am struggling to cope with the treatment. First of all, the protocol I am being given is not the standard treatment seen in many of the clinics in the U.S. It is a newer more intense treatment using theta waves. This treatment tends to be more painful for people but allows to the patient to get the same benefit as a 30-45 minute treatment using the standard (old) method. Many of the clinics offering the old method are starting to switch over to the more intense and shorter treatments so that they can see more patients in a day as the demand grows. About 50% of the people who have this treatment find it painful vs the others who feel no pain just the tapping. The standard/old method is less painful and the sensation is more like tapping. So, the pain I am...

Today was my second day of treatment. Day started off well with a good easy commute to the clinic. It was a nice sunny morning and everything was good. I didn’t do that well at treatment today, I only was able to get to 50% from 44%. The pulses were kind of painful. I tried to suck it up. The tech suggested Tylenol or Advil before treatment but I was already on both because of my badly swollen and sore foot. Tomorrow I might take a double dose of one of them and try again. Failing that, I might have to take a THC gummy and try that. The pain starts to subside as the treatment goes on. Lots of muscle twitching in the face and eyes. I guess I am sensitive. The pain soreness that I had on my scalp after treatment subsided almost immediately and no headache until later in the day - again only very low grade and not even sure if it was from the treatment. I do feel wiped though.  One interesting thing to note was that both yesterday and today at the start of treatment I felt ...

It is finally July 8th, 2019 and I attended my first rTMS session today. It feels like I have been waiting for this my whole life but really it has been only about 9 months since I learned about rTMS. I really do not feel that the other non-drug treatments (forms of electroconvulsive therapy (ECT/Shock Therapy) are a good option for me due to the memory loss and other effects - I carry both markers for Alzheimers and I do not need anything potentially adding to that. If this rTMS does not work, I think that my only options for treatment/a cure/a remission would be the Ketamine therapy that is proving so promising in PTSD sufferers. Other than that, there is nothing in terms of new drugs or treatments for depression. So, for me, this is pretty much the end of the road in terms of treatment options. I am trying not to put pressure on myself because I sense the urgency and the fact that the rTMS is the only proven treatment I have left at this point in my life. I am wanting to try to ...

I went for the cognitive testing and the psychological questions today. I was screened out for the study but I still get the TMS treatments. It was an emotional and difficult day. My treatments start Monday of next week. I am exhausted.