My TMS Journey

It has been about two months since finishing the rTMS. What has happened? Since last posting, the feedback I received from friends and loved ones was that they noticed a difference in my mood. They also noticed a difference in my voice, confidence, comportment and overall presence. I thought that was interesting because I hadn't noticed that. I have been able to slowly cut down my antidepressant medication by ⅔! YES! My goal is to hit 0 by the holidays. I have, however, noticed a gradual and slight decline since about mid September. The weather changed fast from Summer to fall with there being a lot of dark and rainy days. In addition, life has been less than easy during that time. I am not sure if it is a "normal" decline that even a healthy person might notice or if it is more indicative of major depression returning. I guess only time will tell. Obviously, if I notice it getting bad, I will go back on the meds and talk to Dr. Vila-Rodriguez about more treatment opt

I haven’t noticed anything dramatic. Since being home I haven’t slept well at all. I’ve been plagued by the sweats and insomnia(both of which I have struggled with for years). I have cut my medication by ⅓ with no noticeable changes. I will continue to slowly reduce my meds to see how it goes. We are going into fall/winter so I don’t have high expectations for success as fall/winter seem to be my worst moths in terms of mood.

Well, I completed the 4 weeks of TMS in spite of many obstacles and challenges. I am back home in my "castle", sleeping in my own bed and comforted by the familiarity of it all. The last week was the easiest in terms of tolerating the treatments. I remain hopeful that my mood continues to be stable and that I NEVER have another episode of depression again - that however is not statistically realistic. Before going home, I spoke with my doctor about that uncomfortable subject - maintenance treatments and follow-up. The doc wants to see me in a couple of months to follow up on how I am doing. We discussed the challenges faced by patients who are out of area and who require maintenance treatments or re-treatments. I will likely be one of those patients. In the event of needed more sessions, we talked about options. Obviously I am not in a position to be able to return frequently for a week or two of treatment. The doctor mentioned a recent study done out of California wher

Well, today was the first day of my final week of treatment. I am not noticing any changes except for the ones I mentioned earlier on in my treatment. I am not sure if the treatment needs to be longer in my case, if my circumstances for treatment need to be different (ie. being in my home town, in my home, with my support system and routine) or what. I am not saying that the treatment isn't working, I am just saying that at the moment, I am not noticing any real significant change - at least not yet. Some people find that they don't notice changes until after treatment has ended. I am really hoping that this is the case. The other thing that is not helpful is that I am alone. I have no sounding board. My partner isn't here with me to help point out my good and bad days - it is hard to be introspective when you suffer from depression. Treatment today was a cinch. It finally felt like what I had expected it to feel like when I learned about it. It was just an annoying, elec

Today wasn’t as bad as yesterday in terms of pain/discomfort. I’m feeling tired as my sleep has been really interrupted. Waking up lots throughout the night on top of my usual hot flash/cold sweats stuff. Only able to nap during the day for about a solid hour before waking up. My tech says sleep disruption during treatment is very common and returns to “normal” after treatment. After my post appointment nap/rest I treated myself to a trip to Ikea - mainly to window shop. It was t the most pleasant experience but I was able to get out of my room and get some fresh air and see some different things. Only 6 more treatments left until I can go home!

Today was a rougher day than the last few. The treatment was a little more painful/uncomfortable than the days before. I think that it is because I didn't have as much time for the Advil and Tylenol to kick in this morning. I did get a great sleep and ate and did everything else right. After my treatment today I felt really sad. I do not know why. I had a hard time getting the tears to stop after the treatment stopped. I am going to chalk it up to a gloomy day outside, missing home, and just maybe allowing myself to have an off day rather than worrying about it being a sign of another bad depressive episode. I guess over the next few days I will know what is happening if I continue to feel sad and will talk to the doctor right away if it persists. I am going to be here solo this weekend and I am trying to determine what I am going to do with myself during all that free time. I do not know if I want to tackle shopping (window shopping of course) or if I want to go to the beach or

Have a new tech today. I will have him for the remainder of my treatment. He is a journalism student. Instead of talking to me about random stuff like my last tech (I’m ready to adopt her as a member of my family - she is so lovely), he read to me a part of the short story he is submitting in a contest! The first three minutes of the story were great! Guy has some major talent! I’m looking forward to the next two weeks so I can hopefully hear the whole story. Treatment today wasn’t as easy as yesterday. It hurt a little more. I think it’s because I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night and honestly I feel a bit off today. I’m desperately seeking good food but am having a hard time accessing it because I can’t walk far. Nothing is really accessible by car. What is accessible by car off campus has no parking. I can’t live off of over priced pizza and other crap. The options for food delivery aren’t great and my limited facilities make it hard to cook. I wish I could get a mocha and a

I’m not posting updates in real time at this point for privacy reasons. Yes, it sucks but I have a responsibility to myself (especially while in treatment) to take care of myself, keep a healthy mind and keep my eye on the prize. Being able to spend time with my significant other this weekend was sooooooo therapeutic. I really wish I could have him with me full time during the treatment. He observed my treatment on Friday. He is super supportive. I wasn’t expecting to have to go through this treatment alone but due to some crazy circumstances, here I am. I am fortunate my husband is a rock star and is willing to give up his time to come here and support me. He will be coming here again once more when it’s time for me to move out. My leg problems are making mobility very difficult and he is going to help me pack and load up. I will be grateful for the help. Treatment today was much easier than the start of last week. It’s not nearly as painful for me. A person getting their first tr

Today was the 9th treatment. Today was unlike the rest. Today it felt more bearable. It was less like stabbing and more like the hard, annoying tapping others describe. My tech continues to talk to me through the treatment about different subjects which helps a ton. Having a distraction is a must. I am not sure what caused me to turn the corner in today's treatment. I am not sure if it was having a TON of sleep last night, or if I am just getting used to the treatment. I know tonight I won't be getting a lot of sleep. Luke is coming into town and I do not sleep as well sharing my bed. Plus will probably be up later than usual gabbing and catching up on the stuff we had forgotten to mention in our daily texts etc. I talked to a nice woman at the clinic today. She was telling me about her journey. She has had rTMS several times in different locations. She has probably one of the most severe cases of depression I have ever heard of. She gets the rTMS, it lasts for about 1 month

So today I had much the same experience as yesterday. I had a lot more muscle movement in my face - mainly my jaw moving with each "zap" and tears rolling down my face like crying but I wasn't crying, It is an odd feeling having two things happen to you that you have no control of, especially bodily things. The discomfort was about the same. My tech is so empathetic and compassionate. I feel very lucky. She is another reason why I have the strength to keep going every day. I am not dwelling on the unpleasantness of the treatment each day. I think that if I did, I wouldn't be able to force myself to return each day. I am trying to just walk out of the building after my treatment and leave it there. SO far it is working. I am enjoying my new digs. They are clean and comfortable and private. It is so nice and quiet here. My bed was super comfy and got a full night sleep last night - for the first time since being down here. It was wonderful. I regret not going this r

My accommodations did not work out so over the weekend I had to find a new place to stay. The place my aunt had arranged had not been looked after or prepared for people to be staying there which was difficult and then once we kind of got it together there, people started showing up unannounced to stay there - relatives of the owner. We weren't given any heads up and I was lead to believe that the house would be ours to use and that we would have peace and privacy but that was not going to happen. So, I decided to move out as my aunt didn't feel that she could address the issue and it was one that was a deal breaker for me. Thankfully I found a wonderful apartment on Campus at UBC. It is so nice. Beautiful views with quiet and privacy. I was able to get some groceries for my kitchen today - I left a lot of the stuff I bought with my aunt as I didn't feel it was right to leave her high and dry. I got settled after my appointment today. I think that it is important to have

Today was my 5th day of treatment and the end of week one. I am not going to sugar coat anything. At my full dose which is 76, I feel pain. The pain is like being stabbed in the brain with a knife or stick. Keep in mind that I am having the 3 minute rapid theta wave treatment vs. the traditional 1 pulse per second at 1Hz treatment for 30 minutes. The people I know that are having the other treatment described it not as painful but more like a woodpecker or an annoying hammer feeling. The 3 minute treatment is proven to be as effective as the traditional 1 pulse per second method. To get through the pain I feel with it I am taking Advil and Tylenol prior to treatment and I am having my very compassionate tech talk to me during the treatment to distract me. I am told that in time, the pain and discomfort will lessen and that some people end up not feeling it at all. Although I find that hard to believe at this point, I am hopeful. The pain is not excruciating but it is not fun. It is

Today I let myself sleep in a little before starting the day seriously. I was dreading today a little but now that I have plan to help me cope better it wasn't as bad as the other days. Got to treatment and talked to the lady who has her treatments before me. I will call her D. She is a pleasant 73 year old lady who has been a lot of fun to talk to and she has helped me get prepared for treatment. She is on her second week of treatment. She has been something I look forward to each day. I had my treatment and started at 60% it hurt like a SOB. The tech and I were talking - mostly her talking. We talked about the theatre productions she has been in as a student at UBC and which ones she liked more than others. In 3 minutes, the treatment was over. I was relieved and happy to be at dose! I got the hell out of there as soon as I could so that I could grab a McDonalds cheeseburger that I was craving (I know, ewwww). I have been enjoying the drive in and back from UBC. The car is

I had a crappy sleep last night. I tossed and turned a lot. I woke up with a headache, feeling grumpy and overall just feeling like garbage. I was not looking forward to treatment today. I learned some things that would explain why I am struggling to cope with the treatment. First of all, the protocol I am being given is not the standard treatment seen in many of the clinics in the U.S. It is a newer more intense treatment using theta waves. This treatment tends to be more painful for people but allows to the patient to get the same benefit as a 30-45 minute treatment using the standard (old) method. Many of the clinics offering the old method are starting to switch over to the more intense and shorter treatments so that they can see more patients in a day as the demand grows. About 50% of the people who have this treatment find it painful vs the others who feel no pain just the tapping. The standard/old method is less painful and the sensation is more like tapping. So, the pain I am

Today was my second day of treatment. Day started off well with a good easy commute to the clinic. It was a nice sunny morning and everything was good. I didn’t do that well at treatment today, I only was able to get to 50% from 44%. The pulses were kind of painful. I tried to suck it up. The tech suggested Tylenol or Advil before treatment but I was already on both because of my badly swollen and sore foot. Tomorrow I might take a double dose of one of them and try again. Failing that, I might have to take a THC gummy and try that. The pain starts to subside as the treatment goes on. Lots of muscle twitching in the face and eyes. I guess I am sensitive. The pain soreness that I had on my scalp after treatment subsided almost immediately and no headache until later in the day - again only very low grade and not even sure if it was from the treatment. I do feel wiped though.  One interesting thing to note was that both yesterday and today at the start of treatment I felt like

It is finally July 8th, 2019 and I attended my first rTMS session today. It feels like I have been waiting for this my whole life but really it has been only about 9 months since I learned about rTMS. I really do not feel that the other non-drug treatments (forms of electroconvulsive therapy (ECT/Shock Therapy) are a good option for me due to the memory loss and other effects - I carry both markers for Alzheimers and I do not need anything potentially adding to that. If this rTMS does not work, I think that my only options for treatment/a cure/a remission would be the Ketamine therapy that is proving so promising in PTSD sufferers. Other than that, there is nothing in terms of new drugs or treatments for depression. So, for me, this is pretty much the end of the road in terms of treatment options. I am trying not to put pressure on myself because I sense the urgency and the fact that the rTMS is the only proven treatment I have left at this point in my life. I am wanting to try to

I went for the cognitive testing and the psychological questions today. I was screened out for the study but I still get the TMS treatments. It was an emotional and difficult day. My treatments start Monday of next week. I am exhausted.

I have started packing and am getting ready for this adventure - TMS treatments in a far off town where I know no one. I will be in a totally foreign place, staying in a stranger's home. I haven't slept well all week. I am pretty sure I am just anxious about what lies ahead. I leave in a few days now, and am in the throws of packing. What do I need to bring? What can I live without for a month? How much clothing do I bring? Not knowing the layout or much of anything about where I am staying except an address and google street view is hard. Obviously I am packing my devices, laptop, bedding, towels, laundry supplies, toiletries, medications, clothing and shoes but what else am I going to need? Am I going to need a fan? Will there be wifi? Cable? Will I be able to plug in my car to charge? Will there be air conditioning? I think of all the things I take for granted at home. What do I need as a minimum fora month away? I only have so much room in my car, will I have enough r

I am feeling pretty darn smiley today! Yesterday I found out where exactly I will be staying - I have an address. It looks quite lovely. It is about a 25 minute drive from the University in Richmond. Depending on what time of the day my appointments are, it could end up being a really great drive or a really crappy drive. The home itself is in what appears to be a nice newer but established neighbourhood. I am told that there is even air conditioning - this summer is expected to be a scorcher even in Vancouver! I am feeling so grateful and relieved. Grateful for a wonderful safe place to stay and relieved that I know where exactly I am staying (I've seen on google maps), and that I can start figuring out what I am going to need. I should be able to charge my electric car there too! It has a full kitchen and full bathroom so I can soak in the tub even. The anxiety of not having an address was really getting to me. It was hard to deal with and was clearly effecting my experien

Today I got my treatment start date of July 2nd and a family member tapped all of her resources to find me an affordable/doable place to stay in Richmond - I am so grateful. Even though the place to stay isn’t close to the hospital, I think that I can manage the drive. Hopefully treatment times will be during non rush-hour times each day. The waiting and not knowing when I could start my treatments and where I would stay had started stressing me out pushing me to a boiling point. The pressures of life are hard on everyone but I seem to be a particularly sensitive person - affected by the ups and downs and dramas, politics, the horrors in the news, and noise etc. Most days I feel like I am in a kind of war zone just trying to go about my business trying to survive. I sometimes feel like I got off on the wrong planet or at the wrong parallel universe or something. It makes things really hard for me and really hard for the people that love me. So, with the good news of a start date, a

So, I travel down to UBC for my appointment thinking that I am going to be weighed, measured, scanned, poked and prodded. I had psyched myself up for this. I was ready. The drive from the Okanagan Valley to the coast was beautiful and although I hit some snow none of it was on the road which was lovely. It is so beautiful this time of year watching the different stages of spring as I drove farther southwest. It was a really nice drive. Gas prices were about $1.77/litre so approximately $7.08/gallon. Yeah, I am thanking my lucky stars that I have my car "Prime". It is a Toyota Prius that is a hybrid plug in. Getting excellent mileage is essential especially with prices being this crazy. It was a pleasure to drive however when I got to my destination (my aunt and uncle out in the burbs put me up), my knee was so stiff and sore I could hardly walk. The following day, I get routed through downtown Vancouver by my stupid GPS which is a test in patience. I finally arrive at

Well, I have to admit, that I am so frustrated with the "system". First of all, I want to stress that Mental Illness is just as severe, damaging, life changing, and chronic as all other serious illnesses out there. I am well into my journey of trying to find resources for myself and again, I find myself up against a wall when it comes to services for mental illness and services to facilitate access to treatment for mental illness! I AM PISSED OFF! So, in order for me to access the TMS treatment, I have to travel to UBC which is located in the west side of Vancouver. It is a lovely area of Vancouver, the university endowment lands are gorgeous, the campus is beautiful but guess what? It is over 5 hours from where I live. This means that for me to access treatment, I have to leave my home, my spouse, my friends, my support network and everything familiar to go there for 5 days a week to get "zapped". This is all fine and well except for the fact that the only lodgin

So, after returning to the doctor and telling her I am prepared to commit, she wrote up the referral. I waited for months but finally heard back. The first step is a group information session at the NINET clinic at UBC  https://ninet.med.ubc.ca/ . Depression happens to run rampant on both sides of my family. I grabbed my aunt for the trip down to UBC. She was my support person but I thought she could benefit from the info as someone who also suffers from depression and chronic pain. It was smart of me to get my aunt to come. She was able to think of questions I wouldn’t have thought of, she was excellent at understanding me and the challenges I face, she was able to help with all the driving but most importantly, she wants to try this treatment.  Highlights from my information session were: The technology has been around in Canada for about 15 years. During that time, there has been no indication of long-term side-effects. That being said, the technology and treatment

In the simplest way possible, TMS (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation) is using magnetic energy (like induction) to stimulate areas of the brain where it is believed you can relieve depression. It’s basically a targeted MRI to your head without the picture. You sit in a chair and a technician places a wand over the area of your head where the treatment is to be focussed. When the device is turned on, it emits magnetic pulses that target the brain and stimulate neural pathways. How it cures depression is up for debate but for about 50% of people it is a complete cure. This treatment is done for several minutes 5 days a week for 4-5 weeks(or longer). The machine makes a fair amount of noise during the treatment so patients are given earplugs to protect their hearing. I have heard the sensation explained as if it is a tapping sensation with little to minimal discomfort. After the treatment patients are free to go about their day and usually do not experience any kind of side effects.

I am keeping this blog because I have not found a lot of information from actual TMS patients on their experience with TMS, their treatments, their moods or their results. I hope that the very personal information I share along my journey will help countless others battling depression. Keep in mind, I am not a writer. I have never been good with grammar and I am too lazy to have someone edit each post I make. Right on the cusp of GENX and Millenial, I fell through the cracks in many ways. I have suffered from treatment resistant, ongoing, major depression for most of my adult life. I have done years of therapy, tried almost every anti-depressant/mood altering medication out there with little to no relief. The side effects of some drugs have been Frankinstinian. All the years of wondering why I can’t just be normal, wondering why I don’t get better on the medications and various therapies, the heartache of people not being able to understand or show compassion have been devastating. I